My Little Sister Hong Zixin, Where Are You?
Photo is of Nanchang City’s children’s home in Jiangxi province. Copyright © The Nanchang Project
By Cheng Mei
Foster Sibling, 39
Living in Nanchang, Jiangxi
I am Cheng Mei, born in 1985, and now live in Nanchang, Jiangxi. I have one older brother.
In the winter of 1997 (November 1997-February 1998) when I was 13 years old, my mom saw people in the village bring children home from the welfare home to raise. They would get paid to take care of them. My mom thought about our family’s economic hardships and she also likes children, so she went to the Nanchang welfare home to bring a child home. At the time, the salary the welfare home gave foster families was 230 yuan per month; every month you could also pick up three bags of baby formula. According to the policy of the welfare home at the time, families in Nanchang city who were laid off from work had priority to choose a child. We are farmers in the suburbs of Nanchang so we didn’t have priority to pick a child. Like two other families in our village, we could only pick from selected children to take home. My mom took Hong Zixin and she became my meimei, my little sister. When she brought my sister home from the welfare home, she was about 2-3 months old. She was dark, thin, and her body was weak and small. I remember at the time, it was winter so the house was cold and didn’t have a heater. During the day, we put her in a wooden barrel that we use in the countryside, with a lot of grass underneath and a blanket on top. I was afraid she would be cold so I also put a glass bottle with hot water in it at her feet. At night my sister would sleep next to my mom in the bed. If she was sick, my family took her to a nearby hospital for treatment, but we would have to pay all the fees ourselves and our salary was far from enough to cover the treatment fees.
At that time, I could ride a bicycle. Every month at a designated time, I would ride to the welfare home to get milk powder for my younger sister. It was about a one and a half hour bike ride to the welfare home—so about three hours to travel back and forth. At the welfare home’s entrance there was a window. I’d report Hong Zixin’s name and the worker made me sign my mom’s name after. After signing, the staff would give me the three bags of milk powder. At the time, I had already stopped going to school. When my dad and mom went out to farm, I basically took care of my younger sister, fed her, changed her diapers, and played with her. Sometimes my older brother would take care of her. One time when my older brother was feeding her, he accidentally burned her tongue, causing blisters. There was a concave scar in the middle of her tongue. I don’t know if it’s better now or not. Slowly, my little sister started speaking and walking at home. She was really cute. She had gained weight since coming here and was much healthier. She had no special birthmarks. When she was brought to my home from the orphanage, my parents bought her a bracelet, which she wore when she returned to the orphanage. I loved this little sister so much. I fantasized that I could take care of my meimei until she was old enough to go to school.
Around the winter of 1999 (November 1999-February 2000), the welfare home wanted my younger sister back. We had already established a loving relationship at the time. She was just like a biological sister in my family. The whole family was reluctant. Even though we were poor, we had enough food from the land and there was no problem feeding my sister. The whole family wanted her to stay forever. My father decided to borrow 10,000 yuan from relatives and friends to pay the fine to officially adopt her. He also went to the welfare home to ask about the specific conditions for keeping my baby sister. The welfare home said that first of all, our local village committee had to issue an adoption certificate. Because our family already had two children at the time and our financial conditions were not good, we did not meet the adoption requirements. Therefore, the village committee would not issue an adoption certificate, and we could not keep this sister. When the welfare home took my meimei away, my mom and I cried for days. In the beginning, I missed my sister so much that I rode my bike to the welfare home to check on her. Every time I saw her, she would cry and I would cry too. She wished for me to take her home and I wished I could take her home, but that was impossible. There were two times when I used my only pocket money to buy meat buns for Hong Zixin. Because it was cold, I put the buns on my chest to keep them warm and brought them to her to eat. She would stop crying when she had food. During another visit later when I went to see her, the welfare home wouldn’t let me enter the room. I was stuck outside searching… searching for her room. I could only look at her through her window. She was on a stainless steel bed that looked like a big iron cage. I looked at her silently outside the window, and sometimes I couldn't help calling her name. When she heard me calling her, she cried desperately and waved to me, hoping that I would take her home. My little sister cried inside and I cried outside. I couldn't bring her anything to eat. I felt so powerless. She was so small, so helpless, so pitiful, and I was powerless. I could only ride my bicycle home crying.
Every time I went to the welfare home again to see my younger sister, I would find a lot of people (many of whom were foreigners) who had come to adopt a child. When I saw this, I had a sinking feeling that my meimei would be adopted far away from home. I quietly said my prayers in my heart, wishing she could be adopted by a good family, one who wouldn’t hit her and would give her enough food to eat. Among the adopters, one saw me at the welfare home wandering about, knowing I hated to part with my younger sister inside. They looked at me with pity. I offered to go to their house to help take care of their children. I begged them that as long as they adopted my sister, I would bike there and take care of her for free. But the child adopted by that kind-hearted person was not my sister.
Two to three months after my little sister left home in spring 2000, I tried one last time to see her at the Nanchang welfare home. But the staff didn’t let me enter and I never saw Hong Zixin again. A few years later, my mother adopted a baby girl from a distant relative. She was also named Zixin. My mother nicknamed her XinXin, mainly because she was afraid of forgetting Hong Zixin from the welfare home. My little sister from the welfare home, Hong Zixin, and the girl my mom adopted have the same name: Zixin. My family’s surname is Cheng. So, following my family’s name, my second sister’s name is Cheng Zixin. Because we were poor at the time, we didn't have any commemorative items of Hong Zixin, not even a photo. The only thing left behind to my family was her name, so when my parents adopted the next child, they named her Cheng Zixin without hesitation. In the following years, my family's economic conditions gradually improved, and our old house was demolished. I got married and started a family. I had two children. My youngest adopted sister, Cheng Zixin, also got married and started a family in early 2024. Although our family's life is not rich, it is peaceful and happy. Whenever it is late at night and everyone is asleep, I often think of my first little sister, Hong Zixin. I think of her smile at my house, her tears at the welfare home. Although this memory is a bit blurry, it is always in my mind and I can't ever forget it. I don’t know where she is in the world now and I wonder whether she is living a happy life. My parents often discuss her and think of this child and want to know if she is doing well.
In recent years, I began watching the video series of overseas adopted children called “New Strange Stories” (“Xin Qi Wu Yu 新奇物语”). Every video I saw brought tears to my eyes, reminding me of my lost sister again. After watching each video story, this feeling becomes stronger. The images of each adoptive family receiving a child makes me daydream endlessly, and I can’t fall asleep for a long time. I imagine what it was like when my sister was adopted. Was she crying or laughing? Was she accepting her adoptive parents or rejecting them? I watched all the video stories, hoping to find my sister in one of the videos, but unfortunately she wasn't in them. I have been looking forward to my sister appearing in the next video—every time I am not only moved, but I am also disappointed that my meimei does not appear. I mustered up the courage to leave a comment to the publisher, hoping to find my sister and was connected with Nanchang Project volunteers. I hope to see this sister again and reconnect our lasting sisterhood.
Searching Family Information: Hong Zixin, female, born in the second half of 1997. Around the beginning of 2000, she was adopted from the Nanchang children’s welfare home in Jiangxi. Healthy, no birthmarks.
Written on Wednesday, June 12, 2024.
Translated by Yangjin, a dedicated volunteer based in Jiangsu province, China.
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