I Still Carry Hope
By Anonymous
Nanchang Project Volunteer
Searching and connecting with my Chinese roots has been one of the hardest, yet most incredible, things I have ever embarked on.
I was adopted in 1997 and raised alongside my sister who was also adopted from China (We sadly are not related. 23&me told us so). Like many adoptees across the globe, we had a good childhood. Food, shelter, and education were always provided to us by our American parents.
Despite that, just being adopted came with its own aftereffects. Growing up I had the irrational fear of being replaced just for being me. This resulted in me subconsciously, and sometimes consciously, rejecting my Chinese roots. I desperately wanted to fit in with my American schoolmates, avoiding anything that would make me stand out and laughing and accepting things that look down on my Chinese side.
Things started to change in 2015 when I was a senior in high school, where “unique identities” were more encouraged. Jump to 2020, the pandemic was in full swing, I was alone in my apartment, in a different city, for a new job, away from my adoptive family and friends. Feeling like I had nothing to lose, I thought, "what the heck, you're not getting any younger, just do it," and asked my folks for a 23&me kit for my birthday.
Reflecting on the past few years, I realize that my decision was both the best and worst one I have made. While my choices and actions have created tension with my adoptive family, they have also led me to a distant relative who has become my best friend.
I met my cousin over the internet, and in the beginning we had no idea we were related. We were just two adoptees who were from Chinese cities that were only three hours apart. We were both looking for our roots and fascinated with each other’s ways of life. They were raised in a multicultural city whereas I was raised in a predominately caucasian community.
Once we knew we were related things went from “great” to “amazing.” There are no words that can describe the feeling I get when we talk. There is a different sense of belonging. In a world of over 7 billion people, I have found someone to whom I was connected even before my baby brain could form thoughts. Being around my cousin brings a sense of calm that I have never experienced before.
We have met in person now multiple times. Each reunion is just incredible. I traveled across the country to see them get married. Without a doubt, it was the most special wedding and family gathering I had ever attended. Once again, I felt a profound sense of belonging and pride when I was introduced as their "real DNA cousin."
My cousin started searching for their biological family in 2018 when I came along in 2020. Since our first interaction we knew we were in this together. We have been there for each other’s highs and lows. No matter what the final outcome is, we have both agreed that if all we find is each other, it has all been worth it and enough.
During the initial two years of this journey, I concentrated on my personal quest. I invested time and resources into searches, networking, and understanding Chinese culture and history. When my efforts seemed fruitless, it was my cousin who helped me shift my focus and overcome the overwhelming depression of it all.
I am still figuring out why God chose for me to be outside of China, but what I do know is that He gave me the gift of art and creativity. Volunteering my gifts and skills to both CCI (China’s Children International) and The Nanchang Project has been some of the most fulfilling work I have done, well… ever.
This has not been all sunshine and rainbows, that is for sure. And to an extent, I knew that going in. While I was somewhat prepared for the possibility of not finding my birth family, I was not at all prepared for how the search would affect my adoptive family.
In 2015, when I began to openly express my curiosity about my origins, tensions arose between my adoptive family and me. My request for a 23&Me kit as a birthday gift was just the tip of the iceberg. It took a few years, but my family and I have since reconciled and mostly repaired our relationship. Will things return to the way they were before high school? No. But at least we're on speaking terms again, except on the topic of adoption. If I had the power to go back and change how I approached some things would I do it? Absolutely. I would go back to the beginning and sit down with my folks and tell them from the get-go that my intention for searching was not to replace them in any way. That this curiosity of origins was just that. That I had a good childhood with no regrets and that I was, and am, so honored to join their family.
So, where am I now? I am in the challenging process of learning to appreciate both aspects of my life as they are. I have come to terms with the fact that until a reunion with my birth family occurs, these two parts of me need to remain as separate as possible... and that is alright. I still carry a hope that one day, it will be my day and my Chinese family is still alive and is searching for me, too.
This journey was intended to be beneficial, not harmful. Regardless of the final outcome, I will never regret embarking on this journey.
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